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I am fractured invocation, a serenade for clarity

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St. Brookie [May. 29th, 2005|02:55 pm]
[emotional*landscape |mischievoussneaky, with good intentions]
[auditory~soundscape |The Glove - "Mouth to Mouth"]

Friday night, I went with Nathan, Beth and Jason to play miniature golf at a course in Patton, about 25 miles from here. Unbeknownst to us at the time - although I should have been aware since I am his keeper - Nathan's cell phone fell onto the gravel parking lot. It was dark and rainy by the time we finished playing, so no one noticed it lying there. Yesterday, one of the owners of the golf course called Nathan's aunt, whose number was first in his phone book, and eventually contacted Nathan to let him know they found his phone. Last night the two of us tried in vain to find this place, but we got lost three or four times. NaNa was fed up and wanted to go home, so we abandoned the search. It was at this point that an idea began to formulate in my mind: I would venture out on my own on Sunday while Nathan was stuck at work, and surprise him by retrieving his cell phone.

This morning I called to make sure they were open, and spoke to the owner himself, who was able to give me accurate directions. Damn Mapquest, it had us going in such a loopy way no wonder we got lost! I made it there and back with little trouble. After a quick stop at my house to grab a small gift bag and some silver tissue paper, I quickly drove to Nathan's work for the final touch of my scheme. I parked behind Mel, dashed to the passenger's side, unlocked the door, and hung the small package on his wiper blade control. Having a key to his car comes in quite handy sometimes...
Link7 pathways|enlighten me

Flag-poll sitta' [May. 17th, 2005|06:06 pm]
[emotional*landscape |blahblahdeeblahblah]

[I wrote the following entry at work, pen and paper style.]

Aside from almost sliding Mel's key into Luna's ignition (the psychological implication of which I fear to explore this early in the day), I've had a grand start to my morning. It's Election Day for the judicial races, and all of the good little sheep staff are at various polling places around the county soliciting harassing showing their support for one our attorneys who is running for judge. I opted not to kiss neo-con ass participate, no doubt fueling a slew of gossip from the two-faces matrons in the office. I'm over it now, but my ears were burning so frequently from it yesterday that I could have committed one or more acts of homicide. Nathan had the day off due to a scheduling error, thank Goddess, and was able to rescue me for lunch. Veggie sushi, soothing old-school Enigma, and many laughs later I was feeling far less murderous. I love that boy for the many ways he saves me, and teaches me to save myself.

Since I am the only one in the office all day, I offered to take over the receptionist duties. I say that like it's a sacrifice on my part, when really it's the best possible thing I could be doing at work. With the exception of being computerless, I have eight hours of relative silence to enjoy, no clients to annoy me, stillness and peace in which to reflect and read and let flow all the thoughts raving behind me eyes. Of course, in between my personal growth spurts I'll be answering the occasional phone call. I should call NaNa to visit me so I can finally expose him to the chaotic mess I've been forced to work in everyday.

I really do need this quiet time. For as small and contained as my life is, I've had zero time to myself lately. Just as I have trouble accounting for my misspent finances at the end of the day, so too am I perplexed by the disappearing act of my free time. Sleeping too long/much is definitely being held for questioning, as the forty extra minutes I allowed myself this morning made a huge impact on my morning routine. I even had time to make my iced coffee at home and put on a li'l eye make-up.

Tomorrow I must rise even earlier, at 5am, as there is a title work seminar in Harrisburg that the real estate secretaries need to attend. This includes myself, the woman from our branch office, and the main (yes, I know my place) real estate co-ordinator from this office, who just so happens to be the object of yesterday's near-fatality. If I overlook that, and the fact that she gets along famously with the other lady from the branch office, tomorrow will be just peachy. Except not really, and no amount of false optimism will help. I know I will be ignored and ostracized in the back seat, so maybe I'll bring a CD player to shield my mind from their insipid chatter.

Leaving this zoo would be such a healthy move for me, but it's not really an option at this point in my life. For as much as I loathe what I do and with whom I have to do it, this place does offer a small bit of security, namely the laughable-but-necessary weekly paycheck, and medical benefits for when my health dips due to the stress. The point is, until I feel more secure with myself on many different levels I will lack the confidence needed to even begin looking elsewhere. At least today and tomorrow will be relatively breezey.
Link3 pathways|enlighten me

Black cats and broken mirrors. [May. 13th, 2005|11:43 pm]
[emotional*landscape |boredbored]

Eleven years ago was the last time the 13th fell on a Friday in May. It was also the theatrical premiere of The Crow, which I remember clearly since I was in the hospital at the time and unable to attend the midnight showing. Today did seem a little more odd than most, but there was nothing I could put my finger on exactly. I seemed to have a lot of annoying and mildly painful mishaps. My iced coffee decided to spit on me, completely unprovoked, tracing an oh-so-attractive sodden trail down the front of my scarlet shirt. I also sustained a paper cut, a small puncture wound, and a nasty bruise. Whether the superstitious date or my own lack of grace was to blame, I cannot say.

Nathan wanted to make stir fry for dinner, so he picked me up after work to go grocery shopping. Usually, we skip merrily through the aisles, giggling at products and other customers alike, but unfortunately, we were in polar opposite moods. He was craving some quiet down time to unwind from work, whereas I was in full-on hyper mode and desperate for an audience of one. I think it was my shrill rendition of the Proclaimer's "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" that finally made him snap....at me. We managed a compromise, I momentarily curtailed my mania, and we enjoyed a relaxing evening as equilibrium returned.

While we were cooking, or rather, while Nathan was cooking and I was being a brat, Marmie called to ask if we wanted to borrow Team America: World Police. We stopped by her house to fetch the DVD, neglecting our nearly burnt dinner in the process. It was worth the bit of charcoal at the bottom of the pot to hear marmie and Nathan comparing avocados to "dingle-berries". The movie turned out to be way dirtier than I expected; watching naked marionettes act out the Kama Sutra in alphabetical order was enough to send both of us screaming with laughter. I can't imagine what it would have been like to watch in a theater full of people.

I am purposely trying to avoid sleep tonight, because the sooner Friday night ends, the sooner the weekend commences and the closer I am to the awfulness of Monday morning. I could distract myself with silly beauty rituals or immerse myself in invented chores, but the simple fact remains that I'm yearning for live human contact. I will pause indefinitely to lament the far-awayness of most of my favorite people in the world.
Link5 pathways|enlighten me

New moon. [May. 6th, 2005|01:17 am]
[emotional*landscape |contemplativecontemplative]
[auditory~soundscape |Sarah McLachlan - "World on Fire (Junkie XL remix)"]

Too many days, too many thoughts, too many missed opportunities. Deep down, I possess a desperate desire to connect and confide and collaborate. Despite wholehearted efforts to achieve these feats, I continually project an unapproachable aura that warns strangers "Stay away, there's drama ahead". I convince myself that I know what they are thinking, without giving anyone a chance to prove me wrong. Yet, I expect them to read my mind in return, to figure out that I really do want to make acquaintances and become rapt in conversation. It's still a struggle to smile; for some reason, a friendly flash of teeth sparks suspicion in my mind. I'm afraid that a kind glance from me would betray my every secret, leave me wounded before the wolves. How did my mistrust morph into this sick social disease? All those eyes judging me are most likely figments of my own paranoia, I realize this, yet the fear continues to breed in my heart. Damn these late night thought-provoking therapy sessions with NaNa. I'm left shaming myself for my actions and thoughts, but blessedly inspired to put sanity into practice the next time I'm confronted.

Too much nostalgia, too much envy, too many memories. This past weekend is still fresh in my mind, though I've lost some detail resolution and only the most prominent fragments remain intact. I've have plenty of time this week to pen a proper entry or three, but I haven't been using said time very wisely. It's too expensive to drive aimlessly these days, so I've taken to slumber as a means of escape from depression. It's counterproductive, really, because it makes my work day drag on forever without the benefit of release from the night before... I wouldn't be awake writing at this moment if it weren't for the four-hour long act of self-indulgence I partook of this evening.

Too much sleep, too much coffee, too many worries. I abstainted from caffeine until 9:45pm, but wisely decided now was not the ideal time to attempt a detox; I don't want to deal the withdrawal headache that would surely yank me from sleep around, oh, 5am Saturday morning. My body is keeping a strange tempo, so out-of-sync with its natural rhythm. The less I do right now to disturb the chemical (im)balances, the better. Eventually I will even out, cut the coffee habit, and return to my normal, mildly neurotic and hopefully bleeding self.

Tomorrow should be a fluff day, as the bastards at the office are actually taking us out for a belated Secretary's Day lunch. Typically, these affairs last until 3-3:30pm, and with it falling on a Friday, in addition to the absence of the Pope, they may just send us home for the day. There is a reason that "Administrative Assistant" and "Alcoholics Anonymous" share the same initials...
Link8 pathways|enlighten me

Finally, something good to look forward to: [Apr. 27th, 2005|08:57 pm]
[emotional*landscape |bouncyviolently happy]
[auditory~soundscape |Diva Destruction - "Talk to Me"]

My bestest grrl ever in the world will be visiting from Mitcheetawl this weekend! In addition to her unspeakably awesome self, she's also bringing a friend/potential playmate for Nathan. (I realize it is extremely shallow and naive to assume he and Jamie will hit it off simply because they both fancy men, but it's still a possibility, right?)

I've already decided that I'm asking for half the day off tomorrow in order to finish some last minute chores without cutting into visitation time. I told Kirsh that she and Jamie could stay here if Margit was going to be weird about them staying at her place. I don't mind, I love playing hostess and I adore grown-up sleep-overs. Maybe we can convince NaNa to attend. He may have to break his nudity habit and actually wear pajamas to bed, though...

Many tankyews to Kirsh for the motivation to finailly take the Solstice decorations to the attic after lying dormant in the guess room for nearly five months.
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Bank error in your favor, collect $9.42! [Apr. 24th, 2005|10:20 pm]
[emotional*landscape |pleasedpleased]
[auditory~soundscape |Andain - "Beautiful Things"]

The stars were aligned in my favor today. I woke early, took Luna for her first bath in over a year, the got her prepped for her new stickers. I removed the old ones yesterday with some boiling water, so her backside was a fresh slate. Two of the stickers are the same as those that previous graced her bumper, with minor variations in color and font. The third one is the admittedly hippie/gushy "Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty", but it suits me and I like how it modifies the two Paganesque sentiments.

I was able to weasle out of a tentative lunch date with an ex-coworker (Jamie) without having it seem like my fault. To be honest, without our shared loathing of the office, we have very little in common. I wish her well in life, but I don't need to know the details. There is no sense sustaining a false friendship with someone I find to be overbearing and negative. Then again, she lives in Harrisburg now, so the instances of contact will be few and far between.

Without the confines of time or company of the NaNa, I went for a drive and ended up in the usual place. The Snow Queen was fighting a fierce battle to reign supreme over the weather, but the frosty accumulation kept changing back to rain. I was in my own little world, blissing out to some lovely trance mixes. At the mall, my search for Amy Brown faerie decals turned into a discovery of a new fragrance at Bath & Body Works: Violet Bouquet. Aside from the obvious moniker appropriateness, violet just happens to be the only floral scent I like enough to wear. I promptly purchased a bottle of body spray, then proceeded to worship myself with its sweet mist.

Feeling like a blossom in full bloom, I made my way to Target, where I attempted to buy a new toothbrush and some pressed powder. When the woman announced my total of $3.58, I could hardly contain the naughty smirk brimming at the corners of my lips. I paid quickly in cash, then waited until I was safely outside to confirm my suspicions: yep, she had rung up the toothbrush twice and missed the compact altogether. Happy for me. I won't waste time feeling guilty over someone else's error, especially when it involves paying less money for something that's over-priced to begin with. </SELF-RATIONALIZATION>

I bought a few things from Weggies, and had the most pleasant experience ever with the check-out girl. If it were socially acceptable to dole out tips to cashiers, I surely would have. She was simply darling, very friendly and talkative, and the fact that she complimented my jewelry and hair profusely didn't hurt. I left the store feeling better than I had walking in; it takes so little to make me happy.

At home, I began the three-hour long process of making the Amish bean soup marmie had given me yesterday. While it simmered, I had a chance to tackle the whole coconut I bought after months of fascination with the things. I must have over-romanticized the notion of cracking open a fresh tropical treasure chest, filled to the brim with milky candied goodness. The reality, however, was slightly less ideal: after whacking the bristled orb nearly two dozen times with a hammer, it finally split in two, revealing the white flesh inside. I barely had a chance to wonder how in the hell I was going to remove the shell, because the small pieces I did manage to wiggle out tasted like waxy bits of petrified suntan lotion. Thus, I abandoned the quest. The delicacy of preparing nature's bra is best left to the professionals.
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*burstgringiggleblissskipjumpsingandshout* [Apr. 17th, 2005|01:13 am]
[emotional*landscape |tiredtired]
[auditory~soundscape |[streaming online trance mixes]]

Despite possibly spraining (or at least twisting) my left ankle for the second time in four months, today was rather lovely. I cursed myself out for the injury, as it was not mere clumsiness that caused it, but my constant preoccupation with the world around me. More specifically, it's inhabitants, who are no more entitled to walk the streets than I. For some reason, they send me scurrying like a mad rodent at the very sight of them. If I hadn't been worried about being noticed by the moving men at the top of the hill, I wouldn't have rushed down the steps and hurt myself. As my illogical idiosyncrasies become more of a hindrance than a security blanket, I will finally begin to unravel myself from these strangleholds. The world...does not...revolve...around me.

Nathan and I had plans for dinner tonight, but since I knew he wouldn't be done with work until after 5pm, I took myself on a road trip. There's a little health food place in State College called Nature's Pantry that is moving to a new location next week. When we were there last Saturday, I heard the clerk say they'd be having a 20% off sale this week. I got a nice bargain on some yummy protein mixes and Thai soup, as well as a box of my favorite intoxicating incense.

Psychic snafu.Collapse )

NaNa and I did have our dinner as planned, except I forgot to bring the chives and salad. To remedy this, I was instructed to take his car and fetch the missing ingredients. This is the second time I've driven Mel in the past month, whereas for the first two years I knew Nathan, he wouldn't dream of letting anyone sit in the dirver's seat, let alone drive it without him inside! My relaxed attitude is rubbing off on him, and in turn, his forgetfulness is rubbing off on me. Reverse symbiosis rears its obnoxious head.

We ate our dinner on the porch, rocking chairs swaying in syncronicity like an old married couple. We had a little too much coffee, then went to his room to watch a few episodes of As Time Goes By, our favorite Brit Com of which he recently acquired a box set. After lying on his bed for a couple of hours, I decided I needed to get myself one of those "egg crate" foam mattress pads as soon as reasonably possible. When Nathan took me home around midnight, I turned around and drove to Hell-mart to purchase one. The style I bought doesn't resemble an egg crate in the slightest, but actually looks more like polyurethane crop circles. Let's hope it's not nearly as uncomfortable as an alien abduction...
Link1 pathway|enlighten me

*Circles and circles and circles again, the girl's in circles and circles and...* [Apr. 2nd, 2005|09:17 am]
[emotional*landscape |determineddetermined]
[auditory~soundscape |Iron and Wine - "Such Great Heights"]

This is the first weekend in nearly a month that I've had to myself, free from the urgency and purpose of weddings and holidays. Strangely enough, I miss the urgency and purpose; when I feel needed, I feel alive. I'm at my most content when the ideas and solutions I offer are truly appreciated by the receiver. Plus, spending so much time with Nathan playing house was fun. There we were, dressed in matching attire for a friend's wedding day festivities one weekend, and shopping for "From the Both of Us" cards for his family the next... It was nice to have a boyfriend again, surrogate and platonic as he was.

I knew eventually I would have to return to the solitude I resist so strongly, but it's always a transition for me. This is such a tired theme in my life, the battle between togetherness and loneliness, the shift from emptiness to saturation. When will I accept that life has many peaks and valleys? I'm presently on a plateau, but there could be an unseen, soaring cliff in the distance. I can't predict the future, but I need to trust that it's there. Maybe then I will stop holding today up to yesterday in these impossible comparisons.

When work was over yesterday, I almost screamed for joy in the safety of my car. What an insane week it was! Luckily, I'm able to close myself off the moment I leave the building, although it's taken a couple of years of practice. I can still talk about it when the subject comes up, and relay impassioned tales of injustice to friends; I just no longer let the events of M-F/8-5pm invade my time anymore.

I went straight home, showered, smeared on an avocado clay mask, and began cleaning my bedroom, the likes of which could rival any tantrum-prone teenager's: weeks worth of clothes and jammies, both dirty and clean, having an unhealthy orgy on the floor. How did this happen to me? Seriously, I used to have a ritual every Sunday in which I would straighten and tidy and not only wash laundry but fold it, too. I even folded my undies at one point in time; now, I'm lucky if I put them in the drawer instead of living out of the clean clothes basket. My life and body and mind are all out of shape, but at least I'm working on attainable improvements rather than simply complaining about them in ElJay Land. Hmm...being pro-active? That is so old-Brooke, I love it.
Link3 pathways|enlighten me

Hump day, shmump day. [Mar. 31st, 2005|12:06 am]
[emotional*landscape |gratefulgrateful]
[auditory~soundscape |Sixpence None the Richer - "Breathe Your Name"]

What's this, a good day? Even in the middle of the week? Surely, you jest! Usually, yes, this would be the premature punchline to some awful joke, but today really was great.

I was 45 minutes late to work, which isn't typically the best way to start the day. Alleged alarm clock failure aside, I was massively productive, got to run an errand and attend another will signing out of the office with the Colonel. The woman having the will done turned out to be a relative of mine on my father's side, which was weird. The event took a large chunk out of the afternoon, and inadvertently inspired a surge of confidence on my part: on the drive back to the office, I finally brought up the issue of a raise! It was such a beautiful day, he was in a very good mood, and I had at least 15 minutes of his undivided attention to use to my advantage. What better time to voice my concerns? I think I handled myself pretty well, taking Nathan's wise advice to not seem overbearing or demanding. As I figured, he was unaware that I hadn't received any raise at all this year, let alone the fact that I'm still being paid my starting rate from when I was first hired as a part-timer almost three years ago. Every Wednesday evening, there is a partners meeting, and I knew asking him about this today would keep it fresh in his mind. He promised to mention the matter at the meeting, so I'll see what becomes of it. For the rest of the day, I felt empowered and proud of myself.

The pride continued when I got home, as I ran into marmie outside, then went to her house to tell what I'd done. She was also shocked that I'd called to schedule Luna's inspection all by myself. Yes, at 25 I should be doing such basic things on my own, but for so long I've let her take care of these minor details. She kept saying "What a good girl!" as if I were a toddler who'd just used the potty for the first time. It was endearing, though, so I didn't mind.

Nathan was also proud of me for finally speaking up for myself about my salary, although he confessed to being more than a little surprised. Just last night he was lecturing me about talking to the Colonel, and even gave me a concrete deadline by which to accomplish this task. In the car on the way to the grocery store this evening, I was complaining about working late again, and he reminded me of the deadline, saying I must speak bring it up on Friday. I replied, "No, I won't talk to him on Friday." "Yes, you will!" "No, I won't." "And why not??" "Because I talked to him about it today!" Happy and la-la ensued.

At Nathan's house, we prepared a dinner of broccoli, green beans and potato latkes. While it was cooking, I played bouncy-ball and catch with his niece, Morgan, before his sister Joy whisked her off to bed, kicking and giggly as hyper little girls tend to do. After eating and cleaning the kitchen, we went walking for the second night in a row. There were good conversations and a lot of much needed humor. I even got to call him a "slutmuffin" (courtesy of Miss Becca)!

Tomorrow, Nathan is going to pick me up from the auto-body shop, and then bring me home in order for Amanda, of Mike-and-Amanda's-Wedding fame, to take me out. I've never spent time with the girl without Nathan, but he has plans with Jason tomorrow night. Besides, hanging out with me solo was Amanda's idea, so I couldn't very well refuse. These are precisely the signs I need to stop ignoring; apparently, I am likable and fun to be with, thus I am worthy of potential friendship. I have nothing to lose but the chip on my shoulder.
Link1 pathway|enlighten me

Work: it's a four-letter word. [Mar. 29th, 2005|07:02 pm]
[emotional*landscape |restlessrestless]

Another hour of overtime banked today. I will be cashing it in on Thursday by leaving at 3:30pm to take Luna for her inspection. Nathan is off that day, and has agreed to pick me up from the auto-body shop. He's excited about going walking tonight, though I'll have to dig deep to match his enthusiasm.

I wanted nothing more than to drive far, far away when I finally left my cellblock, but the sun has since fallen behind the mountains, and the cool evening air is killing what remains of my wanderlust. My malnourished pocketbook is definitely an accessory to the murder. I may still go for an aimless drive, but I'll keep it local. Could I be any more manic? Last night, I was all about staying in and snuggling with the kitties, yet tonight, I'm anxious as hell being here alone. I wonder if the makers of the Yo-Yo expect me to pay royalties.
Link12 pathways|enlighten me

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